A World in Us Read online

  PRAISE FOR THE HUSBAND SWAP

  “Hilarious. Poignant. Thrillingly erotic. Mind-opening. Heart-breaking. Louisa Leontiades has a powerful voice and the courage to live into her questions.”

  —Lucy H. Pearce, author The Rainbow Way and Moon Time

  “The Husband Swap gives a much-needed peek at the always-entertaining world of polyamory and quads. It’s wonderful reading for anyone curious about the possibilities of love beyond monogamy.”

  —Arianne Cohen, author of The Sex Diaries Project

  “Candid, honest, and eye-opening, The Husband Swap is as unforgettable as it is unconventional.”

  —Clint Travis, Reviewer’s Bookwatch, Midwest Book Review

  “Read this book carefully. There are excellent lessons in it like a lovely coral reef below turbulent waves.”

  —from the original foreword by Noël Lynne Figart, The Polyamorous Misanthrope

  “Recommended for polyamorists, but also anyone struggling with being ‘different,’ for anyone questioning relationship structures and for people wanting to better understand some of the realities of open relationships.”

  —Sarah Arlen, creator of Twice: A Polyamorous Love Story

  “If you're looking for a true tale of how to open your heart and deal with the consequences, this book is for you. It doesn't matter what kinds of relationships you have, there's something in it for everyone.”

  —Michón Neal, author of The Black Tree series

  PRAISE FOR LESSONS IN LOVE AND LIFE TO MY YOUNGER SELF

  “An excellent companion guide to the memoir The Husband Swap, Lessons reflects on key moments from the author’s journeys through open non-monogamy, drawing out important points which others can learn from. This is an essential addition to the self-help literature on polyamory, providing the grounding, in-depth personal stories that have been lacking so far.”

  —Dr. Meg John Barker, author of Rewriting the Rules

  “No matter who you are, no matter how you love, there is something here that can make your life better.”

  —from the original foreword by Franklin Veaux, co-author of More Than Two

  “Louisa Leontiades once again lets herself be vulnerable on the page so that we can witness what her heart has been through, and so that we can benefit from her hard-won wisdom by understanding her personal evolution from the inside.”

  —Sarah Arlen, creator of Twice: A Polyamorous Love Story

  A

  WORLD

  IN

  US

  Also by Louisa Leontiades

  Necessary to Life: A Memoir of Devotion, Cancer and Abundant Love

  Thorntree Press, 2017

  Some Never Awaken: A Memoir of Abuse, Sexual Healing and Freedom

  Postmodern Woman, 2016

  A WORLD IN US

  A Memoir of Open Marriage, Turbulent Love and Hard-Won Wisdom

  LOUISA LEONTIADES

  WITH ILLUSTRATIONS BY TIKVA WOLF

  AND A FOREWORD BY GRACIE X

  A World in Us

  A Memoir of Open Marriage, Turbulent Love and Hard-Won Wisdom

  Text copyright © 2015 by Louisa Leontiades

  Illustrations copyright © 2015 by Tikva Wolf

  Forewords copyright © 2017 by Gracie X and © 2015 by Noël Lynne Figart and Franklin Veaux, as indicated

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the publisher except in the case of brief quotations in critical articles and reviews.

  Thorntree Press, LLC

  P.O. Box 301231

  Portland, OR 97294

  [email protected]

  Cover illustration Bright Rain © 2007 Leonid Afremov®

  Cover design by Franklin Veaux

  Interior design by Mari Chijiiwa and Jeff Werner

  Interior illustrations by Tikva Wolf, creator of Kimchi Cuddles

  Substantive editing for the memoir by Lucy H. Pearce

  Substantive editing for the lessons by Eve Rickert

  Copy-editing and proofreading by Roma Ilnyckyj and Amy Haagsma

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Names: Leontiades, Louisa, author. | Wolf, Tikva, illustrator. | Container of (work): Leontiades, Louisa Husband Swap. | Container of (work): Leontiades, Louisa Lessons in Life and Love to My Younger Self.

  Title: A world in us : a memoir of open marriage, turbulent love and hard-won wisdom / by Louisa Leontiades ; illustrations by Tikva Wolf ; foreword by Gracie X.

  Description: Portland, OR : Thorntree Press, [2017] | “Husband Swap, and the companion guide, Lessons in Life and Love to My Younger Self, were originally published as two separate books in 2015”-- Preface.

  Identifiers: LCCN 2016056179 (print) | LCCN 2017007178 (ebook) | ISBN 9781944934217 (pbk.) | ISBN 9781944934224 (ePub) | ISBN 9781944934231 (Mobipocket) | ISBN 9781944934248 ( Portable document format (PDF))

  Subjects: LCSH: Leontiades, Louisa. | Non-monogamous relationships--Biography. | Open marriage--Biography.

  Classification: LCC HQ980 .L46 2017 (print) | LCC HQ980 (ebook) | DDC 306.84/23092 [B] --dc23 LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2016056179

  Digital edition v1.0

  To those who

  dare to love more.

  Have courage,

  because it really

  does get better.

  “Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.”

  — Anaïs Nin

  CONTENTS

  Preface

  Foreword by Gracie X

  Memoir with a foreword by Noël Lynne Figart

  Lessons with a foreword by Franklin Veaux

  PREFACE

  My first memoir, The Husband Swap, and the companion guide, Lessons in Life and Love to My Younger Self, were originally published as two separate books in 2015. Together, they provide an example of how I’ve transformed my reality. One was a dark and painful recounting of events, written in real time. The other I wrote later, and was my attempt to document what I’d needed to learn in order to move on to a healthier life. It is only fitting that they should be joined now in this new volume, titled A World in Us, after one of Anaïs Nin’s most famous quotes.

  It was my editor, Eve Rickert, who first suggested the quote, which was beloved by many polyamorous people (and which she’d cited in her own book, More Than Two). But afterwards, I wondered whether she wasn’t trying to tell me something.

  “I like Richard Bach more,” I’d replied, skeptical.

  But Jonathan Livingstone Seagull wasn’t a polyamorous bird.

  Before Nin was scattered across the internet via memes featuring rosebuds bedecked with glistening dew, I’d never heard of her. My British schooling consisted of mainly male authors, like Charles Dickens and William Golding, who taught me that I deserved nothing and only had value if I could limp onwards after the hardest of knocks, lest I end up like Pip or Piggy. So I plunged myself into Nin’s bohemian world, which she painstakingly chronicled over 60 years, and fell into an abyss. It's warm and still down here. It's a place where emotional truth is bonded to the oxygen you breathe. It's an inky dark womb. A place where I could be reborn.

  Nin was a memoirist, like me. Who was all kinds of fucked up, like me. Who followed love and personal growth as if it were an extremist religion, like me. Who was riddled with self-doubt, who was dedicated to the confusion of her psyche and who wrote about her delib
erations compulsively. Like me.

  Nin existed more fully in the pages of her own diaries, where the spoken and the unspoken meet. Some say she lived to create events for the sole purpose of writing about them in her journal, perhaps even more than desiring the experience itself. But I believe she edited her stories to create an aspirational and more beautiful life until they resembled an identity she could live with and by—like me. I've looked into the mirror so often, looking for identity and not finding it; I’ve written it down and searched for the truth, and then I’ve written my life and lived according to new — and I hope better — truths.

  And so my editor and I decided that not just the compilation, but all my future memoirs, would have titles inspired by Nin’s work.

  To many, Nin was an inspiration; to others, she was a monster. To me, she was a person who needed to write in order to live better. Like her, I have proved to myself that I can change my story and be cured of my past by writing and reframing it. I am so grateful for this, because the alternative was to remain, like Pip and Piggy, lost forever.

  Louisa

  July 2016

  FOREWORD TO THE COMPILATION

  What is the purpose of a relationship? Is it to spark emotional growth? Is it to move you to the next place? What role does longevity play in the quest for cutting-edge progressive relationships? Are short, firecracker relationships worth it? What makes sense when you have children?

  Louisa Leontiades’s daring memoir examines these complex conundrums, which each of us must ultimately face and analyze for ourselves, in whatever relationship we find ourselves in or moving toward. Louisa takes us with her on her relationship road trip, but she ultimately delivers a map for starting and continuing a process of wise self-examination and relationship success.

  When I read the original release of Louisa’s memoir, The Husband Swap, I was excited to hear a story about an open marriage and quad relationship similar to my own, which I chronicle in my own book, Wide Open: My Adventures in Polyamory, Open Marriage, and Loving on My Own Terms. Reading about her sometimes rugged transition into the world of open marriage, I highlighted passages and typed enthusiastic remarks in my e-reader notes: “Yes!” “Totally!” When the publishers at Thorntree Press approached me to write a foreword for this compilation with Lessons in Love and Life to My Younger Self, originally published as a separate book, I eagerly started reading the new material. The two books together, now released as A World in Us: A Memoir of Open Marriage, Turbulent Love and Hard-Won Wisdom, provide a seasoned prospective of consensual non-monogamy.

  In the memoir, Louisa starts her journey into consensual non-monogamy with the smart zeal of a nervy beginner. This echoed my own gusto when, ten years ago, I first started out on the path of ethical non-monogamy. The thought of loving openly — not only with the consent but the support of my current spouse — sounded like the most enthralling possibility ever. No concept seemed more evolved! As ideas go, open marriage and polyamory were right up there with the Internet, the Pill, seedless watermelons, voicemail and solar energy. It had me ready to grab a megaphone, climb to the highest tower and yell my revelations to the world.

  I recognized Louisa’s matched enthusiasm for her new life, which entailed her agreeing to move back to her homeland in England — which meant giving up a highly lucrative job and moving physically close to family that she had needed to distance herself from. Louisa courageously made this choice. In the lessons portion of this new book, told from her wise reflective self, she examines the conscious and somewhat subconscious reasons for making this ultimately challenging move.

  Similar to Louisa, many polyamorous people embrace change to ultimately create positive transformation and to carve their own path of relationship expression. What I particularly enjoyed in Louisa’s words and admissions was her willingness to show her vulnerability. Decisions that seemed the correct choice at one time are now re-examined with hindsight. Louisa often asks What part of me made this decision? Were there motives I wasn’t fully aware of at the time? This pensiveness makes her insights as a writer — and character — valuable and worth emulating. When a person gets into the thick of any relationship, monogamous or polyamorous, there can be mess. But the difference with polyamory, from my experience at least, is the higher amount of mathematical permutations in which mess can happen: more people = more potential mess.

  What I admire about Louisa as a pioneer in relationship innovation is her willingness to reveal the mess so that we can learn. Her memoir is like a tour through the lovely home of an old friend, the kitchen piled high with dirty dishes and a clear view of that dilapidated couch the cat has used as a scratching post for far too long. In the lessons, she does what all great mentors and teachers seek to do: put her home in order. I found myself alternating from wincing slightly when she divulged something particularly tender to quietly whispering “amen girl — amen” as she moved from the unique problems in being multi-partnered to suggesting better life practices that strive for relationship excellence.

  This is what sets Louisa apart from the average relationship participant. In the midst of her challenging quad dynamic, and with a steadfast and unerring determination, she examines her new life, asking difficult questions followed by yet another challenging question. Like: Do I enable my husband? Am I jealous of my husband’s girlfriend not because of what she’s doing, but because she has qualities I don’t allow myself to embody? What is my part in this? And now that I’ve thrown away the hackneyed old relationship script, whats the new storyline going to be? Louisa’s wiser self in the lessons is chock full of hard-earned epiphanies from the world of open marriage. Take, for example, the eggplant incident. One day, an eggplant that Louisa had saved to make dinner for her husband was instead used by Elena, his girlfriend, to make a snack. This upset Louisa — quite a bit.

  Louisa analyzes the depth of her upset. “Acknowledge your anger. Be conscious that you are angry.” This is a skill unto itself, and at times hard to do in the midst of a multi-partnered life. Even as my heart went out to Louisa, I couldn't help chuckling a bit about the damn eggplant. What Louisa clearly illustrates is that when you are melting down about an eggplant, it is inevitably, of course, not about the vegetable: something more compelling and complex is happening. Its easier to get angry about an eggplant than to talk about the fact that, for instance, your husband hasn't worked in years, or has become more of a kid brother than an romantic partner. Louisa has an uncanny ability to self-analyse, and her ability to exercise this skill is another reason why this book is particularly engaging and inspirational.

  This makes Louisa’s book, although it is a story about polyamory, useful to anyone who is in a relationship. Monogamous, polyamorous, swinging, whatever structure your relationship follows: There is something here for you. Good relationship practices — honesty, self-examination and taking responsibility — hold true in all relationships.

  I feel a kinship to Louisa as a writer, a seeker, and a “relationship artist.” With the combined work of her memoir and the lessons, we get a woman writing from a full spectrum of multi-partnered relationship experience: a place of satisfaction and integrated experiences that now make her life work. Louisa’s quad with her boyfriend, her husband and his girlfriend ultimately did not last. Does that mean that it was not worth doing? Absolutely not — there is so much to be inspired by in her story.

  There is certainly pressure among polyamorous writers to tie everything up with a big bow and move the story to “happily ever after.” If we don’t, we feel it might reflect badly on our multi-partnered relationship orientation. When we have discord in a polyamorous relationship, we are told by the “professionals” that “polyamory does not work.” But when a monogamous relationship fails, the professionals don’t question monogamy. We need more stories and shared lessons about multiple loves. Poly pioneers are worth hearing about, writing about and discussing so that we can shape an understanding of what is u
seful and what is best avoided.

  In her book, Louisa has a tendency to take too much responsibility for everything in her love life — a flaw I share. But at least with taking responsibility comes the next step: agency. And agency is a part of all successful relationships. Showing up as a full participant in what happens in your love life is certainly one necessary ingredient to successfully constructing relationships.

  After breakdown comes breakthrough, and in this new volume, we get both. Society is witnessing a breakdown of traditional marriage and a breakthrough of all different kinds of relationship structures and orientations. These new relationship expressions allow us to live with authenticity, resilience and commitment to excellence. We can get a chance in Louisa’s words to experience a life with “new lessons to be learned, new adventures to be had and new miracles around the corner.”

  I commend Louisa, my fellow relationship artist. May relationship miracles await all of us around life’s next corner.

  — Gracie X

  MEMOIR

  FOREWORD TO THE MEMOIR

  I first heard the second edition of The Husband Swap was coming out when Franklin Veaux, co-publisher of Thorntree Press, contacted me and asked me if I could write a foreword.

  I don’t entirely know why Franklin asked me, and I don’t believe in Fate or Universal Intention. But if I did, I would believe that the Universe wanted to smack me, and smack me hard, to remind me I’m not allowed to get cocky about polyamory in my oh-so-hyper-sensible persona on my blog as The Polyamorous Misanthrope.

  This (well-written) book made me cringe as if I were watching Fawlty Towers (lack of communication makes me squirm, and most of the humour in the show revolves around this). Why? Well, I’ve been as foolish as the people in this book.